Friday, September 30, 2011
With the recent announcement by NBC that the season premiere of CHUCK season 5 has been moved back to October 28th, some fans are upset and don't understand why NBC would do such a thing. So I decided to call on my friends at NBC to explain themselves.
First of all, NBC takes into account the direct value of a second of ad space time as it is related to the number of viewers watching. Then, they extrapolate from that the date, time, and air temperature, as well as the position of the sun with relation to Venus and Alpha Centauri.
Next, the schedulers project for the weight of a McDonalds chocolate chip cookie and the difference between it and the weight of a Burger King apple pie, and multiply that by 7, then subtract 4 and add 23. This gives you a totally random number.
NOW, this is when things get a bit complicated but I will make it as easy as possible.
NBC uses a fancy schmancy formula based on astrophysical equations that relate the speed of light and the distance between two random points on the galactic map in the emergency kit given to every NBC employee (since Comcast took over), and divide that by the random number generated in the previous step. Then, they subtract, divide, and turn upside down the number 42, then juggle it around in a bottle of tequila before pouring it out into 12 shot glasses that are then given to 11 scheduling employees who each do one shot. The remaining shot is then given to an Elvis impersonator who splashes the drink in his face.
At this point a newborn kitten is brought in to act super cute and to meow incessantly. The Elvis impersonator then sings a Cold Play song and does a strange NFL endzone victory dance he calls the Elvis Pelvis Shuffle. The staff claps, spins in circles with their eyes closed, and then walk toward a calendar with their index fingers extended. Once each member of the staff lands on a date, the office manager writes down all the dates, adds them up, and divides for the average, then adds 12 for no reason whatsoever.
And that, CHUCK fans, is how NBC decides where your show will end up on the schedule!